Breaking My Silence

It has now been over a year since I last posted on ACV. There are various reasons for this. You may or may not care to know, but perhaps my weakness and limits, my efforts and ventures, will bring you some strange encouragement.

1. This has been the most difficult year in my 11 years of pastoral ministry.
   God is good and I remain grateful for the opportunity to pastor Rockland Community Church. Nonetheless, diverse challenges came together this year that have really tested me. I have never felt so weak, so insufficient, so slow, so foolish.
   
   It has felt like God has taken a hammer to me, as one would in shaping some metalware, hitting me again and again and again, so that I would truly know that I am not enough. When I began to realize this, I immediately yearned to escape that revelation. I longed for some vocation that would make me feel good about myself; I only felt condemned as a pastor.
   
   I reminisced back to that time when I first discerned my call to pastoral ministry in adolescence - a revelation that followed a time of prayer on the wooded hill behind my childhood home. I experienced such clarity that day, but now I was confused. It occurred to me that perhaps I should return to that place; I stuffed the idea away.
   

   Sara noticed I was downcast in spirit and I eventually opened up to her about my confusion. I had not mentioned my idea of return, but then, seemingly out of blue, she proposed I do just that thing. Tears began to well in my eyes as I discerned this to be a sign of confirmation from God.
   

   I made my pilgrimage on New Year’s Day - my personal deadline since recognizing I should do this. It was a gray overcast day, the atmosphere seeming rather dismal. And yet, by the time I climbed the hill and began to pray, the clouds started breaking, the sun shining down on me. I don’t suggest God adjusted weather patterns for me - only that he ordained my schedule (even my procrastination!) so that I would arrive at just that time.
   

   In my time of prayer, God impressed two things upon me regarding my call to pastoral ministry. First was that I should “walk the path.” Up to this point, I had planned out my life’s journey (college, seminary, etc.) far in advance. Now, God was simply calling me to be faithful in walking the path he had placed me on, not agitating to see farther down the way.  Second, God made clear that his mercy was upon me. Despite my weaknesses and shortcomings, he was assuring me of his grace in the midst of everything, that he could in fact use me despite myself.
   

   Since that meeting with God, the renewal of my calling, I have felt much greater confidence - not because of who I am but because I know that God is with me. So, I have not written lately because I have been in the thick of it and God has been reckoning with me.

2. I have also joined my local fire department.
   When I started ACV in 2017, I honestly had very few extracurricular activities in my life. Things are much changed now. In the past couple of years I have taken  up pheasant hunting with my German Short-Haired Pointer. More recently, I joined a neighboring church’s softball team. Most substantially, I began volunteering at my local fire department last September, not as a chaplain (though I’ve had opportunity to function in that capacity) but as a firefighter. I’ve taken up these things because they genuinely interest me and because I think they make me a better pastor. It all takes time, especially upfront in learning firefighting. So I have not written lately because other activities have caught my attention.

3. My denominational work has made me more cautious.
   As some may know, ACGC has commissioned a task force to examine the organizational structure of the denomination and to offer any recommendations as needed. There are two groups of the task force and I am the chair of one of them. I have often written commentary on the state of the denomination, suggesting what I think should be done. I continue to have thoughts on this front but don’t want to compromise the task force process by possibly misrepresenting others or introducing undue pressure. So I have not written lately because of this limit and not feeling so inspired to write on other subjects.

I have also been busy in many other ways but which would not necessarily interfere with my writing. I can’t say I’m sorry since I am certainly finite, can only do so many things, and don’t regret the things I have done. However, I do think it is time begin writing again, so you can expect to hear from me more frequently.